I Need To Change Something

I need to do something different with my life. I am tired of always being in pain. And I mean in physical pain which hurts my social. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of roommates who do not clean up after themselves. I warn them that it drives me crazy people who don't clean up after themselves and that I can be hard to live with some time. They convince me it will be fine, I believe them and it all goes to crap. I feel so alone. I feel like no on wants me. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have a hard time with roommates. I feel ugly. I want to make a change but I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to be like the people on TV or in the movies that can make things better in 2 hours. I often wonder why I am here and if I am actually making a difference in any one's life. If I would actually be missed if I was gone. If any one's life would actually be any different if I never meet them. Sometimes I feel worthless because I'm not married and I don't have any kids. I don't own anything. I'm not anything marketable. No one wants to pay for homemade items anymore, specially when you can go to Walmart and get a factory made version super cheap. I want to travel but I barely have enough money just for gas to get to work. I also barely have enough clothes for work. It's also hard to travel with no passport and with all of my food allergies. I used to dye my hair crazy colors but my current job won't allow that. I've also thought about shaving my head but that won't help anything either. I've thought about those dating websites but I don't have any money for that. I've done the free dating websites but all that's on there are people looking for 1 night stands or to rob me blind. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Recently

At the end of June I ended up in the hospital with a migraine and severe pain in my adombine. It looked like I have an enlarged pancreaus and swollen liph nodes. I had an infection some where in my body that they didn't know where it was.

I left work early on a Friday. Went to Quick Care who gave me a very large dose of a pain killer that I ended up having an allergic reaction to and was sent to the Emergence Room. After 3 hours in the Quick Care I spent 12 hours in the ER. Drugged up the whole time. It was no fun.

I have been dealing with stomach cramps, pains and other issues. I have had several tests, exams, x-rays, etc. One doctor after another all coming up with something different. So far I have been told I have Chrons, Allergies-R-Us. Now I am looking at Celaic disease and diabetes.

I am on a very special diet now and have been doing a lot of research on Vegan-Gluten Free Recipes. I can have meat in general but no eggs and no dairy.

As I do have more energy now then I have in the past few years which is nice. I still get tired easily. I know I come across mean, snobbish and rude. I don't mean to be but it is usually from being in pain and/or really tired.

After several prayers, temple visits, etc. I appreciate the concerns of others although I will admit I don't always understand it. I do find the advise of others who have never had my issues fusrating at times. Specially when they tell me I need to eat more fruit and vegetables. Little do most people know I do eat healthy and I have done so for years. I know my size doesn't always show it and can through people off but I don't watch what I eat. I wish people would just be patient and understanding with me.

My New Goals

My new Goals for the year:

1. Figure out what I can eat
2. Get out of debt
3. Figure out what I want to be when I grow up
4. Stop drinking soda
5. Be Positive
6. Go to the Temple at least once a month
7. Full fill my church callings to best of my ability
8. Try really really hard not to watch rated R movies.
9. Actually have something in my savings account.
10. Not allow the stress of being single get to me.
11. Remind myself how good my life really is (specially on the bad days).
12. Remeber who I am
13. Work on finishing things on time

My Latest Adventure In Life

I had a blood test done to see what foods I was allergic too. This did not include environmental things like perfumes, flowers, etc. This is only for food.

My new list is:

All dairy (cow, goat, etc)
Eggs
Wheat
Gluten
Sunflower Seeds
Spelt
Tritcate (it's a grain)
Navy Beans
Pinto Beans'
Kidney Beans
Pineapple
Green Beans
Green Peppers
Mushrooms
Corn
Grapefruit
Strawberries
Spinach

Other thing's I am allergic to:

Pencilin
Steroids
Some Perfumes
Some Pollens
Pewter

Next to figure out, what can I eat???

Look At What I Did . . .

I finally opened an Etsy account. I will let you all know as soon as I start posting things.

www.etsy.com

Single Adult Conference

So this weekend was the Las Vegas Area Annual Singles Conference.

Now mind you if you go to this singles conference, you shouldn't have the goal of meeting an eternal spouse. You should be happy attending for the spiritual aspect and the pure entertainment value.

Having this attitude, I had a great time. I meet several people because I had my friend / roommate. She was a great comfort zone and helped me a lot get out of my comfort zone.

There was a fireside Friday night, a dance Friday night & Saturday night. There was workshops & another fireside on Saturday. On Sunday was Sacrament meeting, lunch & devotional.

Some of the workshops, firesides & devotionals were done by artist, Area 70 Priesthood leaders, Temple Presidency leaders, Brad Wilcox, etc.

There was entertainment by Sam Payne and Marvin Goldstein (both very good entertainers & good men). I am now friends and/or fans of them on facebook.

There is a website for the local Single Adults:

www.ldssingleslv.org

This site will mentions the next conference, FHE's (Family Home Evenings), Dances etc.

There is also well known Single Adult Conference in Huntington Beach, CA that I know several people will be going to. It is sometime the end of April.

http://www.hbmidsinglesconference.com

My roommate & some of my friends want to attend. I hope to see you all there.

My Current Goals

1. To weight between 150 - 160 pounds (loose 30 - 40 pounds).
2. Stop drinking soda
3. Be Positive
4. Go to the Temple at least once a month
5. Full fill my church callings to best of my ability
6. Try really really hard not to watch rated R movies.
7. Actually have something in my savings account.
8. Get out of debt
9. Not allow the stress of being single get to me.
10. Remind myself how good my life really is (specially on the bad days).

Happy New Year

I hope everyone is having a Happy New Year so far. It has been almost a whole week in the new year.

My goals this year:

Be positive
Stay Temple Worthy
Stay Organized
Be On Time Everywhere I Go
Loose Weight

Oh wait, these have been my goals for some time now. I don't really believe in New Years resolutions. I think if you want to make a change to just do it. Like I know I need to stop drinking soda. I just don't want to yet.

I still haven't gotten a kiss for the new year. Doubt it will happen anytime soon.

My latest goal is to keep up on this blog better this year. 2009 wasn't a good year for me to keep on this blog, sorry.

I hope everyone is doing well. I love you all.

The Prayer of Santa Claus

By Lance Micklus

Father God, tonight is Christmas Eve. Children all over the world are on their best behavior tonight – hoping, praying, believing that if they’re extra good, I’ll visit them in the middle of the night while they’re sleeping to leave a special gift. I love little children. They have such faith. They believe in the impossible – and they expect to receive it. For their sake, Father God, I pray that you will honor their faith and anoint me, for this one night to make their dreams come true.

I pray also for the adults – all of them mommies and daddies, grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles. May the gifts they receive on this night remind them that there is always someone who cares about them, and that no one is beyond the reach of love.

I pray for the world that 2,000 years ago once knew a special night of peace, when baby Jesus was born. Angels sand in the night sky and the sheep were not afraid of the wolf. I pray that on this night the world may know that peace again, an when day comes, they will never forget that Christmas is the day we have set aside to celebrate the birth of the Savior Jesus.

Finally, Father God, I pray for myself: I thank you for one more year of my life. I thank you for my health, and my wonderful wife, Mrs. Claus. Grant me a safe journey. May I find every home and forget no one. Help me to complete my task swiftly – there is much to be done in a single night. May the spirit of loe fill the night sky and may joy come in the morning. Amen.

SANTA'S SECRET WISH

SANTA'S SECRET WISH

On Christmas Eve,
a young boy with light in his eyes,
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise,
And said as he nestled on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret, tell it to me."

He leaned up & whispered in Santa's good ear,
"How do you do it, year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here & there, you never run out.

How is it, dear Santa, that in your pack of toys,
You have plenty for all of the world's girls & boys?

Stays so full, never empties as you make your way
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large & small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?

And Santa smiled kindly & said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions.

Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He told the small boy with the light in his eyes,
"My secret will make you sadder & wise.

"The truth is that my sack is magic. Inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl & each boy
I don't always leave them a gaily wrapped toy.

Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad.
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.
Some homes are broken, & children there grieve.

Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?
"My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives,
toys aren't enough.

So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl & boy,
And pray with them that they'll be given the joy
Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not,
but gives.

If only God hears me & answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there
Are homes filled with peace,
and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.

It's a very had task, my smart little brother,
To give toys to some,
and to give prayers to others.

But the prayers are the best gifts,
the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.

"That's part of the answer.
The rest, my dear youth,
Is that my sack is magic, And that is the truth.
In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve day
More love than a Santa could e'er give away.

The sack never empties of love, or of joys
'Cause inside it are prayers, and hopes.
Not just toys.
The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.

"And do you know something?
You've got a sack, too.
It's as magic as mine, and it's inside of you.
It never gets empty, it's full from the start.

It's the centre of lights, and of love. It's your heart.
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Don't be so concerned with your gifts
'neath your tree.

Open that sack, call your heart, & share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care."
The light in the small boy's eyes was glowing.

"Thanks for the secret. I've got to be going."
"Wait, little boy," said Santa "don't go.
Will you share? Will you help?
Will you use what you know?"

And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand & whispered,

"I will."

Author Unknown

Teach the children the true meaning of Christmas

Santa Whispered, “Teach the children the true meaning of Christmas”


The Star: A heavenly sign of prophecy fulfilled long ages ago – the shining hope of mankind.

Red: The first color of Christmas symbolizing the Savior’s sacrifice for all.

Fir Tree: Evergreen – The second color of Christmas showa everlasting life. The needles point Heavenward

The Bell: Rings out to guide lost sheep back to the fold – signifying all are precious in the eyes of the Lord

The Candle: A mirror of starlight reflecting our thanks for the Star of Bethlehem.

Gift Bow: Tied as we should all be tied together in bonds of goodwill forever.

Candy Cane: The shepherd’s crook used to bring lambs back into the fold – A reminder that we are all our brother’s keeper.

The Wreath: A symbol of the never ending eternal nature of love, having no beginning and no end.


I don't know who wrote this but I like it a lot.

A Beautiful Story

Santa’s Prayer on Christmas Eve

By Warren D Jennings

The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.

“Dear Father,” he prayed “Be with me tonight.
There’s much work to do and my schedule is tight.

I must jump in my sleigh and streak through the sky,
Knowing full well that a reindeer can’t fly.

I will visit each household before the first light,
I’ll cover the world and all in one night.

With sleighbells a-ringing, I’ll land on each roof
Amid the soft clatter of each little hoof.

To get in the house is the difficult part,
So I’ll slide down the chimney of each child’s heart.

My sack will hold toys to grant all their wishes.
The supply will be endless like the loaves and the fishes.

I will fill all the stockings and not leave a track.
I’ll eat every cookie that is left for my snack.

I can do all these things Lord, only through You,
I just need your blessing, then it’s easy to do.

All this is to honor the birth of the One,
That was sent to redeem us, Your most Holy Son.

So to all of my friends, least Your glory I rob,
Please Lord, remind them who gave me this job.’’

Alice

I can't wait for the SyFy Channel's version of Alice in Wonderland. They are premiering it Sunday December 6th 9 PM / 8 PM Central time.

The link below is to the SyFy Channels trailer

http://video.syfy.com/movies_events/alice

I can't wait for it. I am so excited.

The Holiday's

The holiday season is always a hard time of year for me. This time of year for some reason I feel more alone than I do any other time of year. I have never had someone special in my someone who have cared about me.

I try to not to think about it. I try to think about the real meaning of Christmas. The birth of Christ and what his life meant for us but it doesn't always work.

It also seems lately at church all of the lessons are on eternal marriage. Which is a hard subject for me to listen to. It is also very annoying.

I have to keep telling myself there is a reason for this. There is a reason which I don't understand right now and may not understand in this life. That I will receive the blessings of a husband and children. That it is just a trail right now that I must make it through.

I hope everyone has a good Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year.

Ceremonial Daughters Of The Nile

Today was my Temple's Ceremonial. We have 2 a year. Ceremonial is when the Supreme Queen visits and when we initiate new members into our Temple. I am a member of El Giza Temple #139, Las Vegas, NV. I am in the dance unit at my Temple. Unit is a group. I am currently president of my group. Which is usually fun but sometimes stressful. On the 15th I became an Attendant (officer in my temple), I am still Historian and the Queen's page.

The Units have to preform for the Queen at Ceremonial. My unit the El Gizarettes (the dancers), learned a new dance. Our Queen is a huge fan of Elvis Presley. So we did Blue Hawaii Hula. We practiced all summer and basically twice a week since the last 2 months.

The Queen was in our unit before she had to quit. The Queen is not allowed to be in a unit while she is queen. This was our first dance where she didn't know our dance. I made everyone in the unit keep it a secret. No one was allowed to tell the Queen anything. She was so excited about our performance and how well we did. It was a nice feeling.

So Far This Week

I finally got a calling in my ward. I am now a Visiting Teaching District Leader and a Ward Missionary. I'm not really sure what that means. I was set apart during Sunday. Church just seemmed to drag on and on and on.

Work today and yesterday seems to be dragging on and on making the days feel like they are going so slow.

I felt this way about church on Sunday too. Nothing against the teachers & speakers & co-workers, etc. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I've been praying a lot and listen to old conference talks lately. I listen to them while I am driving to and from work. Now I'm house sitting again this week. I also have Nile Ceremonial on Sunday.

The next several weekends, I have things to do between Nile, Eastern Star and family. I don't know when to breathe or even if I will have a moment to do so.

I'm still having major sleep issues. I don't know why.

Anyways, I hope everything is going well for everyone else.

HI Everyone

I hope everyone has been doing well. I have been struggling inside with bad thoughts of things are never going to change. That I will always be what I am right now. I will never find love, I will never have children, so on and so forth. It is a hard thing to deal with sometimes. Specially at church when you see people 10 years younger than you getting married and having kids.

I know I am in the ward I am suppose to be in but it is hard when you try to talk to people or just say hi. And you get responses or looks that make you feel like a leper or a monster or something. You think, what is wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? It is so frustrating.

I know I need to be more social and get to know people in my ward better but it is hard when you get response like that. I know I need to just let it go and move on. That it likely isn't anything that I did or didn't do. They could be just having a bad day or something. I don't know but when it happened enough times you begin to wonder.

Wow It Has Been A Long Time

Sorry I haven't done any posts in a while. I haven't had constistant internet connection. I moved into my Grandparents house May 1st. Then I moved into a house with roommate on August 1st. Then I started house sitting August 16th and have been there since. The family of whom I am house sitting for will be back the week of the 29th.

I signed up with Eastridge Temp Agency in May. I have been on several interviews over the last year and never got a job offer. Eastridge sent me to a business in Boulder City, NV. I don't know how they were open. They were in fear of being shut down. The manager didn't work well with others and wasn't up on the lastest news. They had to deal with a lot fraud. Oh well. Then I had a few weeks off. In July I started at a new place in Henderson. Today they asked me to fill out the paper work to start the highering process. I hope everything goes well.

My Grandmother went into the hospital June 2nd. She was in ICU for 10 days then spent the next 20 days in a Rehabilitation hospital. She finally came home July 3rd. I'm glad I was there for a while when she first came home. My Grandparents really needed my help in the beginning.

I'm still having crazy dreams and sleepless nights. I don't know if they will ever go away. Sometimes I wish I could remember more of them so I could write them down and turn them into a story or something. Other days I'm glad I don't remember them. The last few days I woke up singing church songs in my head. I don't know why but I like it for now.

I was in a family ward, The Silver Springs Ward, Green Valley Stake until August. Now I'm in a singles ward, Red Rock Ward. I don't know what stake it is in. In July I got my Temple Recommand back. At first I was numb at when I went to the Temple. I have been praying a lot and trying to figure things out. I went this week for Sealings with my new ward and was excited I was there again.

I am so happy that I finally have hope again. I lost my hope for the future and for life. Hopefully the new job, the new roommates and everything else will be going well real soon. I doubt I will ever get married or have kids, find love or anything else like that. But I'm not giving up anymore on me or my life.

About Time

Thank you so much for eveyone's prayer and thoughts for me. I have start a new job on Monday in Boulder City. It is through a temp agency but something is better than nothing. It is full time and not the part time they told me about originally.

I will still take the state test on June 1st. Just realized the date conflict. I will have to call the temp agency in the morning, they are closed already.

I love you all so much and I will keep you informed of what is going on.

Thank you!

WEC

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This is interesting . . .

Have you ever worked for a toxic boss before. I seem to find them in almost every job I have. I thought this article by monster.com was very interesting.

Ten Warning Signs of a Toxic Boss
By Margot Carmichael Lester, Monster Contributing Writer

We've all heard stories about the nightmare of working for a toxic boss. Some of us have even had the unique displeasure of doing so ourselves.

Red flags to such behavior often appear as early as the interview process. We've compiled 10 warning signs of a toxic boss. Watch for them in the interview and you might be able to avoid a negative work environment -- or at least know what you're in for:

Disrespectful Behavior: "Don't overlook unprofessional behavior, such as emails that aren't returned or disregard for stop and start times for the interview without apology," says Anna Maravelas, president of TheraRising.com and author of How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress. "These mini-moments are microcosms of your potential supervisor's style."

Visual Cues: "If your boss scans you from head to waist versus waist to head as they extend their hand in greeting you, they are intuitively sending a message that you are smaller than they are," explains Zannah Hackett, author of The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking. Though subtle, it's the nonverbal equivalent of a belittling comment. "This is not a good sign that your talents are going to flourish in this environment."

Defensive Body Language: "An insecure boss will find you threatening if you are good at your job and will use the power of the position to make your life miserable," says Pamela Lenehan, president of Ridge Hill Consulting and author of What You Don't Know and Your Boss Won't Tell You. Watch for constant shifting, avoiding eye contact or rifling through papers as you talk, she notes.

Bad Attitude: If your interviewer exhibits a general lack of enthusiasm or interest in the company, watch out, warns Donna Flagg, a principal with human resources and management consulting firm The Krysalis Group. It could be a bad day, or it could be a bad boss. "Ask for company turnover [data] and turnover [data] for that individual manager," she suggests.

Excessive Nervousness: Don't ignore extreme behavior, cautions one worker. "My boss used to eat sugar packets and raisins, and she downed them with large cups of black espresso," she recalls. "And she spoke in triplets: ‘hi, hi, hi,' ‘good, good, good,' ‘when, when, when.' Her stress level telegraphed to everyone in the department."

Distrust of Others: A toxic boss "openly displays a lack of trust in people, especially for those on the team in which he or she is supposed to lead," notes Gregg Stocker, author of Avoiding the Corporate Death Spiral: Recognizing & Eliminating the Signs of Decline. Ask what the company's problems are and what their causes might be. "If the answers to these questions consist of blaming others in the organization, especially those on his or her team, the person lacks trust in others."


Fear Used as a Motivator: Ask the prospective boss about others on the team with whom you will be working -- specifically, how well they work together, stay focused and meet objectives, Stocker advises. Be wary if the response identifies a lack of respect for people. When managers disrespect and distrust others' motivations, they resort to extrinsic means with which to motivate, such as threats, public humiliation and comments about layoffs.

Word Choice: "Your ears are your best hunch barometer," Hackett says. "Our choice of words sets up a dynamic that can raise or lower the energy in a room. If they begin every sentence with a negative message and then try to diffuse it somewhat, it is likely that negativity prevails in their life and carries over into work."

Extreme Friendliness: "It may sound odd, but what should have tipped me off was how nice she was," one administrative assistant says of her toxic boss. "I compare it to children being lured into dangerous situations with candy. How many kids don't want candy? And how many adults don't want to work for a boss who is nice? It was a trap I could've easily avoided had I caught on earlier."

Self-Absorption: "If his ideas seem to be more important than finding out about your ideas, or if you provide an answer and the interviewer tells you you're wrong or interrupts with his own answer to the question, it may be an indication that he will be difficult to work with," notes one technical support staffer.

Church Today

I went to church today. It was a nice day at church. I had a hard time waking up at first but by the time sacrament meeting was over, I was good to go. I spoke to my Bishop today. I got some really nice council. Sunday school and Relief Society were nice too. I saw some younger woman in Relief Society and realized BYU is out for the summer.

A young boy came up to me as I was standing in the hall. I thought wow what a brave young man. He wanted to show me how me can make a paper airplane super fast. I asked if it could fly. He was so sure of himself and said 'of course its a plane'. So he tried throwing it a few times put it wouldn't fly. I then ripped a piece of paper put of my notebook and gave it to him. He asked me what the paper was for. I told him to make another airplane. He ran to his sister and had to show off the small piece of paper. It was cute.

I went to a YSA Conference fireside they were having locally. The place was packed. There were 2 speakers. The first one took his time and the second one talked super fast. While they were talking my friend was adding the scriptures to my palm pilot thing. Which I thought was super nice of him. Then after the fireside they served ice cream. It was a mad house. I thought the talks were nice. The theme song someone wrote was really awesome.

Oatman, AZ Trip

Hello Everyone here are the pictures from my Oatman, AZ trip last weekend.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's out there.

I don't want to forget about the soon-to-be Mothers or the women that one day will be Mothers. Happy Mother's Day to you too.

Mother's Day is a world wide event. It is celebrated differently in every culture. It isn't like Christmas where it is the same day everywhere but it is a good day none the less.

This is a link to the History of Mother's Day according the Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother's_Day

Here is a nice poem I found for this special day:

M... is for the million things she gave me,

O... means only that she's growing old,


T... is for the tears she shed to save me,


H... is for her heart of purest gold;


E... is for her eyes, with love-light shining,


R... means right, and right she'll always be.


Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER,"
A word that means the world to me.
--Howard Johnson (c. 1915)

Thank you to all the women who have acted like my Mother and to the one woman who is my mother. I love you all!

Today's Horoscope

I'm a Cancer. I have the igoogle page set up and with that I have the daily horoscope. I usually don't pay to much attention to it but I really liked todays:

You may surprise yourself today because you are so willing to be involved in someone else's plan that you aren't worried about relinquishing control. You may even be eager to take your role as a passenger without trying to be a back seat driver. It really doesn't matter much what activities are on the day's itinerary. It's just the act of doing something new and different now that makes you smile.