Many people think that I am lucky because my parents didn't divorce until I was a senior in high school. Many people think that I am lucky because I was raised in the LDS church. I don't agree with either thoughts.
Yes, I was raised in the LDS church. When I was 12 my mother stopped going to church. I don't know how old I was when my father stopped going to church. My parents still made us kids go every week to some of church and during the week too. My father thought it would be a good punishment not to allow me to go to Young Women's meetings during the week because of something I did that he thought was bad. He also thought it would be great to also embrass me by calling the Young Woman's President over (the adult over the whole group) and tell her in person what I had did wrong and why I couldn't go to Young Women's for several months.
I was grounded for one thing or another my entire sophmore year in high school. I tried to be my own person but I was beat down every time I tried to come out of my shell. Yes, I mean beat. My parents like to hit me specially my father.
I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 5. I tried really a lot when I was in the 8th grade. Then off an on again till I was 16. I tried taking pills, cutting myself, drowning myself and other things to. Nothing worked. I felt like a loser because I couldn't suceed at anything including killing myself. Then one day someone said, killing your self is wrong, it is a special sin. I was like whatever, but then they said 'they win' when you kill yourself. I wasn't about to let that happen. I wasn't going to let them win, him win.
So I no longer thought about killing myself but killing him. I never acted upon my thoughts. I was in church when the words that stopped me from hurting myself were said. The LDS church saved my life on more than one time.
I will never deny the church or how it has helped over my life. Right now I don't feel it is the right place for me. I do try to go every now and then. I would like to start going every Sunday. But I am not ready to start being a Temple Worthy Woman just yet. I need to sort though some personal things first.
I have major issues with trusting people. Specially men but I also don't count out women in this group. Because of my lovly father and mother I have major issues trusting anyone. I don't know what to do sometimes. I have gone to counceling on an off for many years now. Right now I am doing this on my own. Sometimes it is just what you need to do.
3 comments:
Hi Billiemarie!
Nice blog. :) We have quite a few things in common it appears. I'm single too with no kids/pets/boyfriend/husband, etc. I have 2 single sisters and younger brother as well.
I'm actually really interested in hearing more about your experiences in the LDS church. I am a born-again Christian and have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I have a lot of extended relatives that are Mormons and I have some deep concerns about some of the teachings so I've been spending quite a bit of time studying the LDS religion and have been blogging about some of my research.
I would love to hear more about your experiences in the LDS church (good and bad) and why you are not currently "ready to start being a Temple Worthy Woman" as you put it. Also, I noticed under your favorite books that you listed the Book of Mormon, but not the Bible. What do you think about the Bible? Also, have you ever visited other churches? Do you feel the LDS church is the only true church? I would really like to hear your thoughts and would love to have your feedback on some of the blogs I've done on the LDS religion if you want to and have time.
Have a great day and happy blogging! :)
Hello Billiemarie,
I stumbled onto your blog. I was touched by your personal story. You have been through so many sorrowful times. And in spite of it all, you have endured! The Lord has blessed you and preserved you. It seems to me that you are holding a much higher standard over yourself than the Lord is. He loves you for who you are, and for the point of spirituality you have right now. You are not expected to rise to great heights BEFORE attending church. In fact, it will be the church which can actually help you to rise. At your own pace, and with a built in support group. The scriptures tell us that we learn "line upon line, precept upon precept". The church is not for perfect people. It is for everyone. Jesus chose to spend his life with those who suffered, and struggled, and sorrowed, and sinned. His arms reach out to all people - like you and like me who are just doing the best that we can - and making plenty of mistakes. And that's ok to make mistakes. That is WHY Jesus came. That is WHY we have a Savior. I am so sorry that you have had to suffer such difficult challenges from a young age. But you have overcome. You are a survivor. Through all of this, you have never denied your testimony. You are a beloved and choice daughter of our Heavenly Father. I hope that you will not deny yourself the blessings which await you at church. Being 'temple worthy' is not a requirement of church membership, attendance and participation. That will come in the future if you choose it. Meanwhile, there are member friends which await you to bless your life - and there are member friends who need YOU to bless theirs.
Most important, Returning to the gospel and the church will help you discover your greatest friend of all, Jesus the Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, full of perfect love and boundless compassion, with the power to forgive and forget. Jesus Christ lives. He knows you. He has suffered all of your pain. He has suffered your injustices, your abuse, your depression, your sorrow, your guilt, your fear. He knows you personally better than anyone else ever can, and because he has suffered for you, he knows exactly how to heal your wounds. I urge you to turn to him in prayer, and ask him to help you and guide you. He is there. He will answer.
I also want you to know that we need you NOW - just the way you are! Please come back.
Love, MoSop
Hi Billie. I'm sorry that life doesn't seem to be getting much better very fast but thank you for keeping your blog up. It's nice to be able to see how you are doing. I've lost track of too many old friends. Good luck with the job search and keep going. And let me know if you are going to be coming into town for any holidays. We'll be going up to Mom and Dad's for Thanksgiving and I'm going off track from teaching soon so I'll be arround.
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