Me

I am still suffering from depression. Big surprise right. I have been trying to figure who I am an where I belong in this world. I spent a few hours last night with an old friend talking about the past and what we have been doing over years since we have seen each other. I still have crazy dreams all the time. Some of them I remember some I don't. I still sleep all day and up all night. Which makes it hard to find work. I gained a bunch of weight earlier this year. I am the biggest I have ever been (which doesn't help with the depression). I have a few friends who only want to be 'friends with benefits' which I'm not into right now. But whatever, who really cares. I want a man who cares about me, who won't cheat on me, who is clean, can carry on a conversation with me. A man who will play board games with me, try my cooking & baking. Likes all the crazy things I make (or at least pretends to). A man who is encouraging of me and what I want to do. A man who wants to be a better man for me and I want to be a better woman for him. But does that really exist? I never dreamed of my own wedding when I was a child growing up. I did have a dress I designed when I was 18 or so that I wanted but I was a lot thinner than and the dress would be out of style now. I have issues with trusting people, specially men. I still think most people are only nice to me because they want something from me, not that they are just being nice. I hope to one day have a child, I don't care if the child is adpoted or if I have one of my own. I am in no finicial state to raise a child on my own which I would do if I have too. But I want to raise a child with a father in its life. Right now it doesn't matter if we live together, he lives somewhere else or what. I would prefer that we were married. But lets face it, like I would ever trust a man enough to marry them. There is only one man in my life I actually concidered for marriage but that never happend. He is now happily married to someone else. I only want the best the for others, including him. If he is happy with his life than so am I. That goes for most people I know, if they are happy with who they are and their lives than I am happy for them too. I don't tell people about my past, my childhood to much. Mainly because I don't want to be judged or felt pitty for. I don't need to be saved. I don't need someone to take care of me. I want to be in a relationshio where we take care of each other. Anyways . . .