Friday, March 28, 2008

I don't Know

I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know where I want to go. On one hand I want to get married, have kids, be a housewife and start my own business. On the other hand, am I really ready for this. But I know it will never happen, I don't trust people very well. It is something I am working on but when you have been burned as many times as bad as I have been, it is very hard. You often trust the wrong people and just hurt again. It is very frustrating.

Apparently I have a bad attitude with my co-workers and causing issues. I don't realize that I am doing this and I am trying to work on it but maybe it is time for me to move onto another company. I hate having to start over again, but I don't know what else to do. I am so bored with my life and at work I have been passed over and screwed so many times that I don't know what to there also. I haven't had a raise in over 2 years which helps with my unhappiness. I just don't know where else to go from here.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

My Tattoos




Hello Everyone,

These are my tattoos. The lotus flower (water lily) I had done last night. It looks a lot better today (not so much blood). It is in the center of my upper back and spills onto my neck. It is about the size of my hand. My birth month flower is a water lily and I love butterflies. I have been wanting this one for a year or two now and have been saving for it ever since.

The shamrock is my first tattoo and is on my hip. It is for my Irish heritage and the love of commitment.

I am willing to show off both (but be careful when asking about the shamrock because it is on my hip).

Monday, March 24, 2008

What's going On Part 2

So, I guess people are confused on my point of last point. It is as follows:

1. Don't date married people
2. Don't date separated people until the divorce is signed
3. Think before you do something that would hurt your partner
4. Fool me once, Shame on you, Fool me twice, Shame on me and there should never be a Fool me three times.
5. Don't stay with someone for financial reason (it never works out in the end)
6. Don't stay with someone for the kids (it also never works and can end very badly)
7. Don't stay with someone who hits you, grabs you or verbally degrades you.
8. If you are in a bad situation get out.

Thanks

Thursday, March 20, 2008

What is going on

It seems that all radio stations, tv stations and news articles are all about cheating. Have you ever been cheated on? It is no fun, finding out that you have been cheated on is a horrible feeling. You think to yourself, what did I do wrong? Why did they do this to me? Did I cause this or was this something wrong with them.

Most of the time it is something wrong with them. If they are not getting what they need out of the relationship, how are you suppose to know if they don't tell you. The biggest reason for cheating is lack of communication between each other. Also, some people just don't know how to control themselves.

Never blame yourself because you were cheated on. It's not your fault they can't control themselves and that they can't be open enough to tell you what is going on with them.

On that note, people who stay together for the kids. Is never a good reason. I can understand wanting to give your children a steady home with a mom and a dad. But is it really good when you fight all the time because you don't get along. Is it good when one or both of you end up cheating on each other because you are not getting what you need out of the relationship.

My experiences say no, coming from parents who tried several times to leave each other, parents who just fought all the time and then end up cheating on each other, is not good for the children. It does more damage than help. They learn that if you are not fighting with you significant other that there is something wrong. This often leads to people getting into abusive relationships. They also learn that cheating is okay and that self control can go out the door. They also feel the pain of the parents being cheated on and doing the cheating. This puts them in an awkward situation, which was caused by the parents. Which can and often does lead the children into depression because they don't know how to deal with their own emotions.

If you think you are strongly attracted to someone else (I'm not talking about thinking they are cute or hot or something along those line) but I mean planning a life with someone else, if you think your life would be better with someone else, whether it be just to yourself or out loud. It is time to leave.

I know divorce is hard, emotionally draining but in the end, isn't better than going through the pain of being cheated on, being in a bad relationship for you and your children. Isn't better to show your children you are being the bigger person, that you want your own health and their health over the person who is poisoning you?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Now

Now that I have a working computer at home (still no internet, will do with a different paycheck). I am entering in all of my ideas. Now I can't sleep because everything is coming out free flowing ansd spilling all over the place. And I still need to unpack, my apartment is a mess. Oh well, that is the way life goes.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Aging

So when I was in high school I planned out my life in a general since. I was going to go to college, finish all 4 years with a degree (I think at that time in education to be a teacher). Then I was to go on a mission for the LDS Church. Then come home, be married around 24 and start having kids around 27.

As a little girl I never planned my wedding. In college I had ideas but always told myself, we will see what my husband wants to do because it is his wedding too. But never had any real plans.

When I was 25 I finally realized that I was never going to get married. I know this sounds sad. I did cry a few weeks over this when it finally hit me. It is now hitting me that I will likely never had kids also.

I have chron's disease and endrometriosis which both affect me being able to carry a baby at all. I have been going through menopause the last 6 months (medically induced) to make my monthly cycles less painful and give me a chance at having a baby.

I am now 30 years old, I use to joke around about being an old lady with lots of cats. Or the crazy old lady everyone was scared of. Now it is almost true, I don't own any cats yet and I have always been crazy and now I live alone.

I never wanted to be 30 and single. I am now living my nightmare. I am having a hard time with this and this is the first time I have admitted to it.

I still tell myself one day, it will happen. I will find a man to love, who will love me, treat me right and we will be happy together. But if we look at reality, that will never happen. Some of it is lack of trust of others. I would rather be alone than with someone who treats me horribly. Another issue is I attract men who are way to young for me and men who are married. I don't know why, it bothers me. All I do is think to myself what am I doing wrong to attract this type of men.

Oh well, another one of life's mysteries.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Being an Adult

I don't like being an adult with responisbilities right now. It is so frustrating. I am horrible with finances. I have no idea how much money I have. I have no idea where it is going. My new apartment is taking forever to get together because I am going everything. I own a lot of stuff because I am a shopacoholic and I have to many ideas going through my head. I love making things. I am losing sleep over this. Stress is getting to me.