Headaches

I hate headaches. I don't like getting them. I get them a lot. They get so bad sometimes I want to give up on life. I want to give up on everything. I have had to go to the hospital a few times in my life because of them. I have had prescriptions before but currently do not. I have to rely on over the counter stuff which doesn't always help. I don't have health insurance it anymore so I can't go to the doctor's office or hospital or anything for help. It puts me in a tough spot. I don't know what to do. I mix things like Tylenol and ibuprofen. I don't do aspirin and ibuprofen and stuff together. Ugg . . . life is a pain in the ass.

Roommates

Roommates drive me crazy. I like living alone. I wish I had a good paying job right now so that I can do it again. I don't like having to depend on someone else for a place to live.

I do like that they help with the bills so it is not as much out of my pocket every month. They do make things cheaper for me.

I don't know if it is worth it anymore to have one.

Uggg . . .

So I have been trying some dating websites. I don't want to date co-workers and when I was active in the LDS church most of the men were scared of me or something. Since I moved here in 2001 till now I have never been asked out by an LDS man.

A few of the sites are LDS single sites. 1 you have to pay for and I don't have the money. Plus the site doesn't look very up to date (worth the money). I don't have the money to check out eharmony or match.com.

So what I have discovered, there are a lot of lonely men. The men are widows, live in other countries, are 10 + years older than me and or recently divorced and don't know what to do.

I did try non-LDS single sites too. Basically the same thing. Not worth my time. I don't know what to do anymore. It is very annoying. I'm 31 really why is a 65 year old man thinking its ok to 'try to get to know me better'?

I Love . . . Part 20

I do like some television. My top are as listed but not necessarily in that order:

1. True Blood
2. Law & Order
3. How I Meet Your Mother
4. Entourage
5. Dead Zone (with Michael Anthony Hall)
6. Medium
7. Ghost Whisper (yes, I said it)
8. Inuyasha
9. Criminal Minds
10. Numbers

Interesting Thoughts

The past is the past and there is nothing we can do about the past. Everyone has a past. All that matters is what we do now. What we do with the future, what we do with the present is all that matters.


If you do good, be positive and try to be happy no matter what, good things will happen to you.


Karma is a b&*^%.


Do unto others as you would have done unto you.


Treat everyone with respect and you will be respected.


Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.

Ok, Again

So many emotions, so little time to deal with it. But which feelings should I deal with and which ones should I let go. I have been having a lot of dreams. Most of them are crazy, weird and make no sense. Some of them are very scary and would be a great horror flicks. Most I don't remember but would like to. Mainly because they would be great movies and stories. I also have been thinking about old friends and wondering what happened to my old friends. If they were ever really friends or people just being nice to me. I have also been thinking about what I went to school for, what I do now. I haven been thinking about being unemployed and the need for health insurance. Where should I live? Stay here or move back to California. If I go back to California, should I go back to Long Beach, go to Bakersfield with my brother or go to Sacramento/Carmichael area with my mother and the Loveridges. I still have been getting a lot of headaches. I sleep all day and I am up all night. I don't like tv but I need the noise. I feel to alone with out the noise. Sometimes I have 2 tv's on for the noise. I like making things but does anyone really like what I make or are they just being nice saying the things I make are nice. I make a lot of journals and picture books. All on different subjects. I like making them, it will forever be on going projects. I also have a lot of 1/2 done projects. I wonder if I will ever finish them. I wonder if I will ever have a good and decent job. Also my back has been bothering me a lot. Hurting a lot. I also have started griding my teeth, again. I have been getting into the new show 'True Blood' on HBO. I still wonder who I am an what I want to do with my life. I know one day I will be happy and I will know what to do. I will have goals again and I will go some where.

Headache's 2

I'm still getting headaches all the time. Some are worse than others. Some I can get them to go away with over the counter pain pills. Some I can't. I don't have anything any more. I don't have health insurance so I can't get migraine pills or pain kills. Oh well right. Most of my headaches are now caused due to my Chrons. Having issues with eating, keeping food down, etc. That's the life of no health insurance.

Life 2

Life is interesting, I realized today that the Past is our past and we can't change our past. All that matters is who we are now. All that matters is what we do with our lives now.

I have always lived by the rule: To do unto others as you would have done unto you. This has done me well in life. I also have always believed that what you do unto to others, you will have done unto you 10 fold. So I try to be nice to everyone. I try to treat everyone with respect. This has also served me well. This I have also taught to children and others whenever I can.

This is life, we are dealt certain cards and how we play the hand is all up to us and no one else. No one can tell you what to do or how to live your life. You can take suggestions from others. You can ask others to tell you how to live your life but in the end it was always your decision. No matter what, it is always your decision.

Decisions can be hard in life. Do this or do that, not to do this and not to do that. If I did this, it will get me closer to this goal. If I do that it will make me happy. I need this in my life. I want that in my life. This is all up to the individual and no one else.

Life

Life is very interesting. The people who come in and out of your life. Friends we make, friends we lose. How our family, friends, co-workers and strangers effect us day to day.

Our families are suppose to love us, be there for us. Many of us have this. Some of us don't. All of our families are different, we are all treated differently by our family members. Many of us have children an significant others in our lives, some of us don't.

Our co-workers effect our lives outside of work. How we are treated, how we respond to them. How we look at others and how we look at ourselves. Many of us spend more time at work than anywhere else in our life, some of us don't.

Our friends are people who are suppose to be there for us, support us, care about us, not family. Some of do have family members who are also your friends but most of us our families are not necessarily our friends. It is hard making new friends and it can be hard keeping old friends.

Now a days people are more are so consumed with themselves that they don't keep in touch anymore. They don't call, they don't write, they don't try anything. This is family and friends. Co-workers and strangers come and in and out of our lives as we try new and different things. As we work at different places. Co-workers and strangers keep in touch only for work and whatever they need from you. I worked at a place that has made me very self-conscious, telling me I need to bite my tongue more. Edit what I say to others. They didn't like my honesty. They didn't get my since of humor also.

I have major issues with trusting people, mainly men. People love to try and hurt me and I get scared. I try to keep in touch with others, sending cards for different holidays etc, and usually I get no response. I feel more alone than ever. I'm tired of making new friends all the time. As I was growing up, every school year I had to make new friends and find new people to hang out with. This lasted while I was in college, but in college people disappeared when they married and jobs in middle school & high school their families, their parents moved them all around.

I like things like facebook.com and myspace.com because I am able to keep in touch with some friends, even if it the information they are putting out there is just for me.

I often wonder if I will ever be happy. I wonder if I will ever trust anyone enough to love them, to marry them. I wonder if I will ever have children. There are days where I want kids and there are days that I don't. There are days I would like a boyfriend, someone I can open up to an tell them what my dreams and hopes are, sometimes I don't.

I got use to doing things on my own. I took up hobbies that are just me and no one else is involved, like sewing, cooking, baking, painting, etc. I like to cook and bake for others but I do it for myself too. I prefer to share the things I make and do with others but I keep it to myself too.

I had a dream a while ago where I was finally happy, husband and a daughter. Then I was in a car accident an hurt badly and I think I died. And all I could think of was, I'm 45 finally have what I want in life and now it is all gone. Then I woke up. This makes me nervous too. Will it happen? Was this just a dream? Was the dream just my fears coming out?

No one knows, only time will tell. I am no different than anyone else out there. We all have fears, worries, concerns, loves, etc. What makes us all different is how we react, how we deal with our problems and our issues.

I only want to see my family and friends happy. I have always been like that. I don't think of myself often as someone who will be happy, someone with wants and needs. I want my family and friends to get what they want out of life. I wish them luck and I pray for them all often. I don't like seeing my family and friends unhappy, sick or in pain. But honestly I really can't do anything for most of them but to be there. Be the shoulder they can cry on, the person they vent too.

The Holiday

I love this movie! I can't believe the great story line. It is a huge girl movie. It is also a good movie to give you hope back. Hope that love can happen for you. That old people are good people too. That we are appriecated more than we think. That Christmas doesn't have to be depression. That everyone's live is crazy one way or another.

Who Am I? 5

So as you see, I'm not happy with myself right now. Things that normally wouldn't bother do. It is another sleepless night. I am going to stop the Who Am I? posts because honestly who really cares. I need to be positive, be happy and smile all the time (no matter what). It doesn't matter what I am really feeling or not. I just need to forget it, let go and be happy.

Who Am I? 4

As you can tell, I wasn't in a good mood the other day. I'm still not but I am feeling better than I did. I don't feel like I a am pretty. I think men are not interested in me unless they say something (I can tell when someone wants to sleep with me). I worry that is what most men think that all I am good for is sex. I am afraid I am going to lose all my hair. I am afraid that no one will ever love me. I am excited someone wants a Halloween center piece I made. I don't talk to my father unless I have too. I don't talk to my mother very often. I don't talk to my siblings very often too. I think family is important and I wish we were all closer to each other. Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could disappear and never bother anyone else again. I feel like a nuance a lot of the time. I don't always feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't have health care. I can't afford my medications. Because I can't afford my medications, I'm not healthy. I am sick a lot more often now. I still think no one gives a damm about me. I think most people are lying to me, either to be nice or to get something they want from me. I am all messed up. I don't always like myself.

Who Am I? 3

Who am I? I still don't know. I need to give it more time. I don't want to do anything all day. I still have to look for work all day long. Full time work not part time, not seasonal but full time. I don't want to get off the couch, I don't want to leave the apartment. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything at all. I don't think my drugs are strong enough right now. I know there are people out there who care about me but I often wonder if that is really true. If anyone really gives a damn about me. I wonder if my life actually makes a difference to anyone. I wonder if my talents actually mean anything to anyone. Who really cares anymore that I can sew, crochet, make things. Who really needs these talents anymore in there life with everything that is being made over seas and sold at places like Walmart. We all can't be like Martha Stewart. Not all of us are really smart and will sell our mothers soul to the devil to get onto television. Who really gives a damn if I am here tomorrow or not. I have been trying go back to church, hoping that will make a difference. So far it hasn't. I feel guilty for almost everything I do and don't do. I just don't know here I belong anymore or who I am anymore. I just know no one really gives a damn about me. No one is interested in me as a person. As a female they can have sex with yes. Other than that no one gives a damn. I have family and friends who will tell me they love me and care about me but I don't believe any of them. Either it is my lack in trust in others including my family and the way I was raised, the things I have been through. I watch movies, I love movies but movies, specially love movies just make me cry, upset me and give me bad dreams. I just want to feel love, unconditional love. But I can't trust anyone enough to get there. I have had 3 boyfriends in my life. 1 tried to hit me, 1 cheated on me and the other married another woman (behind my back). The 1st one was just like my father and made me realize I was messed up. I started going to counseling. I stopped dating for a long time. The 2nd one just lied to me almost the whole time. I don't know if the 3rd one was lying to me the whole time or what, even though he was a lot younger than me, he still made me feel special. All three of them told me they loved me but I often wonder if they ever really did. Some people think I should blame my parents. Some people think I should just get over it. Like I can one day say things won't bother me anymore. But really what does it matter anymore.

I am who I am and I can't be anyone else or anymore. I have bad skin, I am overweight, I have 2 younger sisters and 1 younger brother. I have 2 nephews. I have no kids. I have no boyfriend, no husband. I live in an apartment. I am good at things that no one wants or appreciates anymore. Like sewing, crocheting, making things. I am good with encouraging others. I am good at giving support to others. I am dyslexic. I have issues with reading. I like listening to the radio. I like listening to audio book. I have a car with no radio and nor a/c. I live in Henderson, NV (the Las Vegas Valley). I tried to keep in touch with friends and family but none of them seem to want to keep in touch with me. I guess everyone is too business to give a damn about anyone else anymore.

See yeah around.

I Love . . . Part 19

I love movies, lots of kinds of movies. Romanic comdies, action, comdies, etc. I don't do horror. I don't like blood & gore, they give me bad dreams. So I stay to happy movies. I love Disney movies. I like movies that I have to read the movie (well some of them).

http://www.imdb.com/

My top movies are but not limited to:

Say Anything
10 Things I Hate About You
Pretty in Pink
16 Candles
Better off Dead
Smoking Aces
7 Brides for 7 Brothers
The Sound of Music
Bad Boys
The Hammer
Hope Floats
City of Angels
Face Off

Me

I am still suffering from depression. Big surprise right. I have been trying to figure who I am an where I belong in this world. I spent a few hours last night with an old friend talking about the past and what we have been doing over years since we have seen each other. I still have crazy dreams all the time. Some of them I remember some I don't. I still sleep all day and up all night. Which makes it hard to find work. I gained a bunch of weight earlier this year. I am the biggest I have ever been (which doesn't help with the depression). I have a few friends who only want to be 'friends with benefits' which I'm not into right now. But whatever, who really cares. I want a man who cares about me, who won't cheat on me, who is clean, can carry on a conversation with me. A man who will play board games with me, try my cooking & baking. Likes all the crazy things I make (or at least pretends to). A man who is encouraging of me and what I want to do. A man who wants to be a better man for me and I want to be a better woman for him. But does that really exist? I never dreamed of my own wedding when I was a child growing up. I did have a dress I designed when I was 18 or so that I wanted but I was a lot thinner than and the dress would be out of style now. I have issues with trusting people, specially men. I still think most people are only nice to me because they want something from me, not that they are just being nice. I hope to one day have a child, I don't care if the child is adpoted or if I have one of my own. I am in no finicial state to raise a child on my own which I would do if I have too. But I want to raise a child with a father in its life. Right now it doesn't matter if we live together, he lives somewhere else or what. I would prefer that we were married. But lets face it, like I would ever trust a man enough to marry them. There is only one man in my life I actually concidered for marriage but that never happend. He is now happily married to someone else. I only want the best the for others, including him. If he is happy with his life than so am I. That goes for most people I know, if they are happy with who they are and their lives than I am happy for them too. I don't tell people about my past, my childhood to much. Mainly because I don't want to be judged or felt pitty for. I don't need to be saved. I don't need someone to take care of me. I want to be in a relationshio where we take care of each other. Anyways . . .

Dreams

I am still having a lot of crazy dreams. Some of my dreams are repeats or continuation of dreams I have had in the past. I don't remember enough of them to write about them right now. I have been sleeping all day and up all night. I don't like it. I feel like a loser, a flake, a slacker because I can't get up during the day and sleep at night. I'm not a normal person and this only helps me feel more like that. I also get self concious about my dreams like other people would really know what I am dreaming and how they make me feel. I know its crazy but its true. Also I have dreams that when I wake up from them, I am happy, sad, upset or depressed. It all depends on the dream.

Not Every Woman

Not every woman wants to be saved. Not every woman wants a man to come into her life and fix everything. We all don't need a knight in shiny armor to scoop in and sweep her away. Sometimes we just want a man's shoulder to lean on. Sometimes we want a man's ears to listen to what we have to say so we can get things off our chests. Not fix our issues, not fix our problems, not to fix the people we are having issues with. Sometime our issues with other people are really issues with ourselves. Our issues are our issues to get over and talking them out help more than taking action. Action doesn't fix everything. Action doesn't help all the time.

A man can be encouraging, be a listener, be a shoulder. If you are unsure what your woman wants from you, ask her. There is nothing wrong with asking. You cannot read our minds and we cannot read yours. If a woman gets mad that you asked her and says something like you should already know. Remind them you are not a mind reader and vise verse.

Try to be patient and kind. Try to have understanding. If you have to ask questions to understand than do so. Just tell them the questions are for you to better understand what is going on and not to be judgemental. Be very careful not to be judgemental. Always be clam and if your woman wants you to get upset over something with her and your not that is her issue not yours.

Good luck and no subject that you can't talk about. Some subjects are easier to talk about than others. Some subjects needs lots of trust to talk about. If you think your lady is uncomfortable talking about something ask her. Also let her know what subjects are too hard for you to talk about. Also there are some subjects we need a little time to think about before we can talk about them. This happens to men also just let each other know that your know ready to talk a subject.

Who Am I? 2

I am trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Where I belong and so forth. So I got a notebook and named it 'Who Am I Journal'. I have been writing in it, what I want, who I am. Hopefully this will help me figure out what to do with my life.

Who Am I?

I have been really down lately. Mainly thinking about who I am and where I belong. What do I want out of life? Are my dreams trying to tell me anything? Why am I unemployeed? What can I do to get another job? Where should I look? What makes me happy? Am I doing the right thing?

I have been tried all week so I haven't gotten much done. I haven't looked for work as much as I would like too. I have had a headache all week. Also my body has been feeling weird this week. Almost like I am being tickled from the inside out. From my stomach out. I also have that feeling in my stomach like something bad has happened but I don't know what. And I can't shake it. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. This isn't new but it usually goes away after a day or two.

I have been praying a lot lately. I have started going back to church. I just go to sacrament meeting and leave. I did go to Family Home Evening in the singles ward I attended before but I was late. Then they didn't have one and then they gave blood (which I can't do till next April). I have missed the last 2 weeks of church because I wasn't feeling well.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where I belong. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am coming undone at the seams.

Can You Read This?

Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

This was sent to me on facebook. I can read it and thought it was great. I also wonder if anyone else can read it.

Blogs, Blogs and more Blogs

I am currenty discovering all of my family and friends blogs. I am trying to bookmark them so I can find them again. Then I found a directry of blogs. It was cool. Check it out:

http://www.blankestblank.com/directory/

Another Crazy Dream Last Night

Last night I had another crazy dream. It was Thanksgiving day, I was at the home I grew up in in Blythe, CA. I was in the kitchen preparing the meal. My mother had invited people over. At first I thought it was only one or two other people. As I was setting the table the guest started showing up. Then people I have known over the years started showing up. People who I was friends with, people who I have crushes on. It was weird. I started holding hands with one man. I was really happy with him. He has his son with him. I don't know anything about where the mother of the child was. I was happy with him and his son. What ended up being a very large group of people was also a good time. It was a nice Thanksgiving. It was also a very weird thing, very weird feelings. There were more people over than the house could fit.

My Dream Last Night

I had a crazy dream last night. I was in college. I went back home for summer break from college. My Grandmother had to give up her home and move in with us. So we had extra washer and dryer. I was going to take them with me when I went back to school. My home is very crowded with siblings and relatives.

Then I was moving into my dorm. I started to watch an old movie that was playing in the lobby. The movie was set in the 1940's. It caught my attention because it looked like it was filmed in the dorm that I was staying in. As I was moving my things in I watched the movie.

It was 2 young brothers who were very close to each other. They were coming home for Christmas break. One of them meet a girl. So his brother started dating her best friend. One brother fell in love with his girl. And had unmarried relations. The brothers left and went back to school.

The other brother went back to his beautiful girlfriend. As the first brother wrote all the time to the girl he meet over winter break. I left the room and grabbed more things to take to my new room. As I walked by again the girls from winter break showed up at the brothers college. Both girls were with child. It was spring now. Both brothers did the right thing and married the women. The really beautiful college girlfriend was heart broken but she understood what was going on and said nothing. The brothers moved out of the male dorm rooms in the next building over to the married dorm rooms on the other side of the campus. They never really saw each other again. Just passing by each other on their way to classes.

The college girlfriend didn't date anyone for a long time. Then one day she decided if she couldn't have the man she loved more than anything then she wouldn't be with any man. It was now the next school year. The brothers have babies now and still living in the married dorm rooms. With the new school year, she meet a woman, a uncommon and unconventional woman. A woman who couldn't admit out loud who she really was. The woman seemed to he happy, she seamed to free. She was a woman and fellow college student to liked other woman. She didn't like men. They started an affair, a secret affair, a forbidden affair.

The woman fell in love with the former college girlfriend and wanted to tell everyone that they were together. One day they were talking out loud in the lobby of the dorm that the girls lived in. Thinking they were alone and no one was around. Little did they know, there was a couple hiding in the closet kissing and heard what they were saying.

They couple couldn't believe there ears. There were females in their college, in there dorm who were together. How could they be. Didn't they know it was wrong to be with someone of the same sex. How dare they be like that around them. The couple then told all of there friends what they found out.

An angry crowd came together of mainly men but women too. They got a truck and grabbed the two girls. They were going to take them to the out skirts of town and destroy them, beat them and maybe kill them, in angry, in disgust of their life choices.

Then the brothers driving by with their wives and babies drove by. Saw what was going on. The other brother saw his college girl friend being kidnapped and about to be harmed. He made his wife (who was driving) stop the car and he jumped out, jumped over her. She was knocked down and hurt and he didn't pay attention, he kept going. He leaped into the crowd and was trying to save his former girlfriend.

He was still in love with her. He kept an eye on her from a distance, secretly. He argued and fought with the crowd to save his real love.

I then dropped off some more items in my dorm room and walked out side and got another load. I walked back in and saw. The brother's wife and her friend went looking for the other brother's wife. To make sure she was ok. They couldn't find her. Instead they found the baby in a basket in the lobby with a note.

The note said 'I know he never really loved me. That he always loved her. That he only married me out of duty. Now they can be together. I will no longer be in the way. Please do not look for me, you will not find me. Pearl (the best friend), please raise my son as your own. Our sons are very close in age. Just days apart, you can tell them that they are twins. That they are yours. Please be treat him like he is your own child.'

Then a security guard comes into the dorm. He was checking on us to make sure we were ok and that there were no men in the dorm. I slipped up the back stairs and dropped off things at my dorm room. I then decided I needed to figure out what that movie was and rent it. I wanted to see it in full.

Another Dream I Had

I have always had a connection with animals. Specially cats and dogs. They have adopted me my entire life. I have always loved animals. I wanted to have a farm one day of my own. With geese, ducks, chickens, rabbits, cats dogs, and many other animals. When I was 21 I was having a lot of allergic reactions. I didn't know to what. I wasn't doing anything new, eating anything new. So I had tests done. I discovered I was allergic to cats. I was heart broken.

I have always wanted to get another pet. But pet rent and deposits have prevented me from doing so. I don't like having animals in a small apartment except for cats. But I'm not usually home enough to have a pet. I had a cat for a little while till I broke out into a rash every time I touched him. He was a crazy cat I named Moses. I had him for a few months. Then I had a dog named Dosha for 2 weeks. She was a great dog but really she needed a yard, grass. So I gave her to someone who had a dog the sane breed as her. It was a good decision. Dosha and her new family are very happy now.

Well last night I had a dream that my pet cats from my past, from my childhood visited me. Were trying to get my attention, wanting me to pet them. Wanting to curl up with me. It was comforting and creepy at the same time. It made me realize I still would really like a cat. Dark colored cats I can handle the longest. But my current roommate is allergic to cats also. His allergies are worse than mine. So I am out of luck for a little while.

Nightmares & Dreams

For all those who know me well know that I have a lot of dreams. Knows that I suffer from horrible nightmares. I had one last night. Normally my nightmares go on for days. They stalk me all day and all night for days at a time and one time for weeks at a time. Also, many of you who know me know that my home life, growing up wasn't all that great.

A dream I had last night / this morning was horrible. I never thought my home life, growing up could have been any worse then it was. Ok, it could have been worse but I never imagined how. Last night my dream told me how. I had a dream that my father decided to adopt more children. I had a brother who was older than me, twin brothers who were a lot younger. There were 10 children sharing 1 bathroom. No privacy at all. We had to share beds and bedrooms. The torcher was magnified. I didn't know what to do, I felt bad for my siblings. I felt over whelmed because I had more people to take care of.

I know this sounds petty. I know many of you would laugh about the fact having more siblings would be a nightmare. I would love to have a larger family. I would love to have more people in my life like that but the nightmare part would be more children who are messed up. More siblings who are messed up because of my father. More siblings to try and help and worry about. I know many of you won't understand this. I don't really care, I just had to get it off my chest.