So when I was in high school I planned out my life in a general since. I was going to go to college, finish all 4 years with a degree (I think at that time in education to be a teacher). Then I was to go on a mission for the LDS Church. Then come home, be married around 24 and start having kids around 27.
As a little girl I never planned my wedding. In college I had ideas but always told myself, we will see what my husband wants to do because it is his wedding too. But never had any real plans.
When I was 25 I finally realized that I was never going to get married. I know this sounds sad. I did cry a few weeks over this when it finally hit me. It is now hitting me that I will likely never had kids also.
I have chron's disease and endrometriosis which both affect me being able to carry a baby at all. I have been going through menopause the last 6 months (medically induced) to make my monthly cycles less painful and give me a chance at having a baby.
I am now 30 years old, I use to joke around about being an old lady with lots of cats. Or the crazy old lady everyone was scared of. Now it is almost true, I don't own any cats yet and I have always been crazy and now I live alone.
I never wanted to be 30 and single. I am now living my nightmare. I am having a hard time with this and this is the first time I have admitted to it.
I still tell myself one day, it will happen. I will find a man to love, who will love me, treat me right and we will be happy together. But if we look at reality, that will never happen. Some of it is lack of trust of others. I would rather be alone than with someone who treats me horribly. Another issue is I attract men who are way to young for me and men who are married. I don't know why, it bothers me. All I do is think to myself what am I doing wrong to attract this type of men.
Oh well, another one of life's mysteries.
5 comments:
I disagree with your comments of never this and never that. I have read plenty of articles lately that most young Americans are staying single longer. That means both men and women. There are plenty of people that care for you and pray for you to get what you are hoping for. I hope you feel better soon.
I see your statement as a way of coming to grips with a possible reality, maybe even a "worst case scenario" reality but it certainly isn't the only possibility. And I think you're right that not having a husband may be much better than being in an abusive relationship.
I think this is the point where you take stock of what you do have and look around you to find role models of happy, busy, well-adjusted SINGLE women (and they're all over the place). Interview them. Find out how they've coped and thrived in their situations.
You may just find that being single isn't such a bad state to be in. That's when you'll find the man of your dreams and you'll have to ask yourself "Do I really want to follow his dreams when I'm having so much fun with my own?"
We love ya, Mango.
I'd love to find out if I can help. Maybe a pint could mediate. If you ask around you'll know who this is. I know, I'm a coward, otherwise I wouldn't be cryptic. :)
Thank you Philip and Arnold for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.
Sorry Eddie, I have no clue who you are. When you get guts, let me know.
I agree with plove and arnold. You're not too old to be married some day. Most of all, you need to learn to be happy alone, then some day you can make that decision to be happy with someone else.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you may have to sift through a lot of dirt and sand to find gold.
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