My Father

For those of you who don't know. I have been struggling with my father my whole life. We never saw eye to eye. He wasn't the best person in the world either. He did do good things for others. Specially his friends, his parents and strangers. Now matter what he did do or did not do he was still my father.

He named me. He did his best with trying to raise me. I'm not always the easiest to get along with but who is anymore.

I am having a hard time today. I have been having a hard time the last 2 days. Feeling unsure of myself. Not knowing where I belong. Not knowing what to do with my life. Was my life really worth anything to anyone.

Then this evening. I found out that my father pasted away. He hadn't talked to his girlfriend in 3 days. So Cathy (his girlfriend) and her daughter Candy and I believe another person. Broke into his home. Once in Candy went in first and found my father. He was died.

The corner in Blythe, CA is an old family friend. My brother is listed as the next of kin. My brother is on his way to Blythe, to figure out what to do next. He is likely going to be buried in Loma Linda, CA with some other family members. He was born in the Loma Linda Hospital.

I am happy I was able to talk to my father the weekend before Christmas. Other than that time I don't know when the last time it was I spoke to him. He told me he was getting his life back together. He has been going to church (all 3 hours, yes he was LDS) for the last 8 months. He was going to meet with the Bishop that Sunday and get everything together to be able to go to the Temple again. I was shocked and happy for him. He has our issues but I still only wanted good things for him.

My brother has the duty with Cathy to go through his things and clear out the apartment. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go and help or stay here an wait for instructions from my brother. They have to find his will. I know he had one because when I was 18 he told me about it. He told me I was the executor. I told my brother this. I don't know if he changed it since then or not but I will more than likely asked to give that job to my brother. My brother is a CPA and better with all of the paper work than I could ever be.

His body is going to Indio, CA to be autopsy to find out what happened and what day he died. Did he have a heart attack and been on the floor for 2 days praying for help that can too late. Or what. I don't think he would have done this to himself. He has done some pretty bad things in his life. I honestly think he wouldn't purposely give up on him self. He would get mad, yell and get things to go his way.I honestly believe he was coming to peace with himself and the things he did.

But none of us will ever really know the truth. My next month or so will be sitting by the phone, looking for work, finding out what to do with my family and my father's life. Likely having to go to counseling and learn how to deal with it all. I have the need to clean his apartment. He always wanted everything spotless. No matter how much hard work or time it took to do it.

I loved my father and was trying to be kind and courteous to him. But at the same time keep my distantance from his insanity. I feel hurt and lost. I know he is in a better place in life. He was blessed through out his whole life.

Honestly, when I got the call today. I thought my brother said Grandpa died. I made him repeat himself and he said our dad died. I was in the middle of Walmart, getting things together for the trip I was talking for James. I was playing nurse for 10 day later this month.

Now what do I do? Where do I go?

I will say I am exteremly thankful for the Loveridge's being in my life, all 30+ of them in my life.

I am very thankful for all of my friends. The phone calls I have been receiving as well as the Facebook messages. This is one time though I wish I had a boyfriend whose shoulder I can cry on. But that is what my pillow will have to do for me.

I will let you all know more when I do. We have to wait for the body to be release before we can schedule the funeral.