In the beginning when I was a little girl, I wanted to be 6 feet tall and a school teacher. When got a little older I want to be famous. Not actress famous but famous for being the first person to do something, or for discovering some thing no one else has or was able to. When I was a freshman in High School I had all my course planned out for high school. As high school went on, I took classes harder than I planned or wanted.
I changed what I wanted to be many times. In high school I wanted to join the military, even a little of me today would like to. I told my mother and she thought I should be a nurse and join the Air Force because they treat woman the best (at that time).
I later changed it to being a fashion designer. Maybe a famous one but at least a dam good one. Then I wanted to be a dam good pattern maker. Maybe own my own business but be really good at it.
Then I lost my way. I didn't know what I want in life. I don't what I want to do. I can't even decide if I want kids or not. I see a new mom or a woman who is pregnant and I want that. One day I do, then I see a bad kid or kids and I am glad I don't have one.
Sometimes I want to get married. Sometimes I would like to have someone in my life who loves me and cares about me. Someone who knows me or at least tries to know me. Someone who wants to be a better person around me and I want to be a better person around them. I want to be someone I don't have to pretend around and they don't have to pretend around me. Someone I can be what I want around and vise verse.
Someone who can be there for me when I have to go through crap like my biopsy's. I don't know if that really exists or not. I don't know if there is anyone really out there I can trust.
I get men who hit on me who are married. Tell me that they want to be with me. And I think to myself really? How can they say this to me. Then I get men who are really young who hit on me and I think am I too old for them. Can I give them a chance? Then the men who are close to my age just want to be 'friends with benefits' , cheat on me, hit me, marry other women while we are together. I don't get it.
Can I trust? Can I be there or with someone (a man)? Will it ever happen for me? Can I do it if a man does come around who is trust worthy? Will I ever figure out what I want to do with my life? My job? My home? My love life (or lack there of)? Will I find love? Will I do anything with my life, or just be here?
1 comment:
If the younger men are decent, then you should give them a chance. Age doesn't really matter past 25 or so. What really matters is whether you click or not.
Abuse, both verbal and physical, shouldn't be tolerated at all. My brotherly instinct thought this when you wrote about guys that want to hit you: "If I ever see that, I'll beat his @$$."
Anyway, just focus on being the person that you want to meet. I believe that like attracts like.
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