Who am I? I still don't know. I need to give it more time. I don't want to do anything all day. I still have to look for work all day long. Full time work not part time, not seasonal but full time. I don't want to get off the couch, I don't want to leave the apartment. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything at all. I don't think my drugs are strong enough right now. I know there are people out there who care about me but I often wonder if that is really true. If anyone really gives a damn about me. I wonder if my life actually makes a difference to anyone. I wonder if my talents actually mean anything to anyone. Who really cares anymore that I can sew, crochet, make things. Who really needs these talents anymore in there life with everything that is being made over seas and sold at places like Walmart. We all can't be like Martha Stewart. Not all of us are really smart and will sell our mothers soul to the devil to get onto television. Who really gives a damn if I am here tomorrow or not. I have been trying go back to church, hoping that will make a difference. So far it hasn't. I feel guilty for almost everything I do and don't do. I just don't know here I belong anymore or who I am anymore. I just know no one really gives a damn about me. No one is interested in me as a person. As a female they can have sex with yes. Other than that no one gives a damn. I have family and friends who will tell me they love me and care about me but I don't believe any of them. Either it is my lack in trust in others including my family and the way I was raised, the things I have been through. I watch movies, I love movies but movies, specially love movies just make me cry, upset me and give me bad dreams. I just want to feel love, unconditional love. But I can't trust anyone enough to get there. I have had 3 boyfriends in my life. 1 tried to hit me, 1 cheated on me and the other married another woman (behind my back). The 1st one was just like my father and made me realize I was messed up. I started going to counseling. I stopped dating for a long time. The 2nd one just lied to me almost the whole time. I don't know if the 3rd one was lying to me the whole time or what, even though he was a lot younger than me, he still made me feel special. All three of them told me they loved me but I often wonder if they ever really did. Some people think I should blame my parents. Some people think I should just get over it. Like I can one day say things won't bother me anymore. But really what does it matter anymore.
I am who I am and I can't be anyone else or anymore. I have bad skin, I am overweight, I have 2 younger sisters and 1 younger brother. I have 2 nephews. I have no kids. I have no boyfriend, no husband. I live in an apartment. I am good at things that no one wants or appreciates anymore. Like sewing, crocheting, making things. I am good with encouraging others. I am good at giving support to others. I am dyslexic. I have issues with reading. I like listening to the radio. I like listening to audio book. I have a car with no radio and nor a/c. I live in Henderson, NV (the Las Vegas Valley). I tried to keep in touch with friends and family but none of them seem to want to keep in touch with me. I guess everyone is too business to give a damn about anyone else anymore.
See yeah around.
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